Editors’ note: The writer, Buchi Obichie, likens the political situation in Kaduna state to a comedy show. She highlights the squabbles between the governor and his political enemies – Senators Shehu Sani and Suleiman Hunkuyi – and questions how these elected officials find time to carry out their duties when they are so frequently engaged in public fights.
I’m not big on comedy flicks. It’s not like I’m 'too cool for school' or something; but I grew up watching too many epics, action and horror blockbusters that it just kinda suppressed any appetite I might have developed for the genre. Plus, I got put off by Mr Bean – I never understood how someone could be so foolish, all in a bid to be funny!
Anyway, despite my big screen preferences, there are a few things that can actually provoke me to laughter: my younger brother goofing around on a hot afternoon, my colleagues engaging in another unorthodox workplace banter, or our politicians doing what they know to do best – misbehave!
Today, I want to pay attention to the last point; with emphasis on the situation in Kaduna state.
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So, I was at my desk that beautiful morning, bright and early, when the news hit. They said the governor of Kaduna had allegedly driven a bulldozer to destroy the factional APC building in his state, which was owned by one of his arch enemies – Senator Suleiman Hunkuyi. The story was so amusing that it had me holding my tummy and laughing-out-loud in no time.
For most of the day, I kept on imagining El-Rufai, all 5-foot-plus-something inches of him, controlling a bulldozer back and forth under the cover of darkness, hurrying to finish his clandestine act before the first light of day broke!
Yo, my mind though!
Anyway, in defense of the controversial action, the governor’s aide, Uba Sani, claimed it was a legal process. According to Sani, Sen Hunkuyi had lost the rights granted him by the Certificate-of-Occupancy, when he converted a residential building into one for commercial purposes.
The senator himself then showed a rare type of political sportsmanship, when he stated that he had 'forgiven the governor and still takes him as a brother'! If I hear!
Well, I was just there thinking to myself: “That is the kind of thing you say when you have too much money and can simply erect another building overnight!”
But then, El-Rufai and Hunkuyi are not the only major actors in this comedy show that is Kaduna politics.
Another comical character is the governor’s main nemesis; that man in the Senate who gave us the term ‘jackals and hyenas’ and knows how to drop proverbial bombshells with the speed of light, as e dey hot. He goes by the name, Shehu Sani.
One would suppose that the senator and governor would be buddies since they are on the same team; but the reverse is the case. Infact, sometimes, it’s easy to assume that their animosity goes beyond politics…like there is something deeper that the rest of us don’t know about.
I hadn’t finished mulling over the Hunkuyi situation when I heard that our esteemed governor had filed a N2bn lawsuit against Sani. El-Rufai is reportedly seeking N500m each, for 4 alleged offences, one of which is defamation of character.
The governor claims the senator made malicious statements through the mass media to humiliate and defame his integrity by calling him a drunk, loose cannon and an embarrassment to President Muhammadu Buhari!
Aahhh, Ogbeni what appinnnn! *in the voice of the agbero under Oshodi bridge*
But then, even though I was tempted to put on my best Koker from Chocolate City impersonation and ask El-Rufai: “Mr Governor, somebody cannot play with you again; is that how you use to do?,” I could understand why he felt so angry.
You see, Shehu Sani is big on colorful words, and he employs a wide array of them in his fight with the governor. I’ll give some examples.
Let me start with the instance where the governor most likely picked the ‘drunken’ insult from. The comment actually read in full: “The threat of expulsion of the distinguished senator by El-Rufai’s spokesman is nothing but the hallucinations of a barely educated ogogoro drinker.”
Now, we all know that nobody drinks ogogoro and reasons on the same mental plane as the rest of us sober individuals; in the immediate aftermath!
Then there was this other bombshell from Sani fired against the governor: “El-Rufai is cowardly to directly confront Sen Sani and resort to using Buhari’s name to fight his domestic battles. Senator Shehu Sani reserves the right to freely express his domestic battles and no bespectacled pigmy can stop him from doing that!”
What a wawwuu!
Now, you all know El-Rufai uses glasses right? Plus, you know the situation with his height. I said that to draw attention to the particular phrase “bespectacled pigmy”, so you don’t get the exact ‘subject of attack’ all mixed up!
I will wrap up Sani’s punch-line highlights with that time when the senator described his governor as “a pretender who can kneel down to anyone as long as that can propel him to power.”
Ahhh, Senator Sani, can you not just have mercy on someborri when you are angry? Why use such words nah? Diarris God oh!
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Abeg, I don tire sef. I cannot come and kill myself jare. See me sweating and typing this piece when for all I know, these individuals may be having a laugh somewhere tonight…is that not the way of politics in Nigeria? No permanent friends or foes!
Anyway, I’m grateful for this comic relief that is Kaduna politics. Things are so hard in the country these days that it’s quite nice to find something to laugh about – especially since I don’t watch comedy flicks.
I am certain this public show is not about to end anytime soon even though things have gone a bit quiet now; and I am looking forward to more colorful political banter whenever the trial commences.
But then, jokes aside; I have a serious question to ask: "When do these men find time to carry out their duties, when they are so consumed with engaging in unending public squabbles?"
This opinion piece was written by Buchi Obichie.
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent the editorial policy of NAIJ.com.
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